The Most Honest Conversation in the World
If you’re being honest, you ultimately have to face the age-old “Do I look fat?” scenario. Here’s how Brad Blanton says to handle it.
AJ Jacobs, Esquire, 12 June 2007
ESQ: Can we play it out? I’ll be my wife, Julie, and you be me. So does my ass look fat in this dress?
BB: Yes, you look like a goddamn whale.
ESQ: Well, I’d say, That’s rude; you don’t need to put it like that.
BB: Rude? What in the fuck is rude? Is it rude or not rude that you ask me to bullshit about you when you’re trying to convince yourself that you don’t look fat? You’re more worried about it than I am in the first place.
ESQ: Well, I don’t think it’s bullshit.
BB: It’s bullshit! I think the question is bullshit.
ESQ: The question is, I want to look good to my friends, I want people to think I’m attractive. So I want to wear a dress that’s flattering, so what’s wrong with asking which dress is more flattering to my ass?
BB: Well, if you follow those dumbass fucking premises, there’s nothing wrong with it. The problem is with the dumbass premises. Of course you want people to think you look good. But looking good…I’d whole lot rather be with a goddamn gorilla that was capable of love than someone who’s hotter than hell. I’ve slept with a lot of women who looked like Playboy playmates, and they weren’t as much fun as women that weren’t as attractive but really liked to fuck and really loved me.
ESQ: But I think there is something to physical attractiveness. I think it’s wired into your DNA that you find certain things attractive.
BB: Wired into the DNA? You look around all of fucking history — all those variations of what’s attractive. How a lot of black men are attracted to fat women. All this goddamn variety — people are attracted to torture. Some people are attracted to fucking shoes.
Esquire Editor-at-Large A.J. Jacobs is the author of A Year of Living Biblically: One Man’s Humble Quest to Follow the Bible as Literally as Possible.